To Fully Heal Your Broken Heart, Make Sure You Do This

To Fully Heal Your Broken Heart, Make Sure You Do This

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“Grief is healthy and it is healing.” ~Richard Moss

When I was a little girl there was this belief floating around in my head that there was only one person. One person who was my soulmate. One person who could love me. I think the belief was formed by some concoction of Disney movies, religion, and American culture.

What’s worse than this belief is that I somehow found myself afraid that I wouldn’t even have one person. I was afraid I would be alone. Forever.

I don’t know when I adopted the belief that I wasn’t enough, that I might not find someone, that I was unlovable. My mom did her best to reassure me, but it didn’t quite do the trick.

Self-love is the work we have to do ourselves. No one else can give us that gift, no matter how young we happen to be. 

Into my third decade of life I did the deep work that led me to discover what it actually meant love myself. My life transformed in so many incredible ways, and then I no longer worried about whether there was someone out there who would love me. I knew I was lovable, and by more than one person.

At some later point I met a man. I liked him, but there were some red flags. He was a bit flaky, and he lacked the ability to communicate maturely. I was about to walk away, and then suddenly everything changed. The red flags turned green, and we pranced off into the moonlight.

That red lack-of-communication flag never really turned green. Nothing had actually changed. He just hid who he really was until he felt suffocated and invisible. After almost a year of living like this he left me with no warning.

For a long time I felt so much pain that my entire being melted into sorrow. I fell into a deep depression and reached out to a spiritual teacher who wrote me this:

Please do not indulge any thought that attacks yourself or even your ex-boyfriend. Grief is healthy and it is healing.

I wrote back to this teacher that I wasn’t indulging in negative thoughts, that the pain was so overwhelming that I felt no anger, just the deepest sadness I’d ever felt.

I spent a lot of time in bed feeling my pain, crying, and thinking. This was a man who I was building a life with. This was a man I opened my whole heart to. This man showed me love and support like I’d never experienced before. And then he swiftly took it all away. As I lay in bed for days with a churning mind the stories began to surface in whispers:

See, I am unlovable. He didn’t think I was worth loving.  I’m not enough.

And the stories grew louder.

“Please do not indulge any thought that attacks yourself.”

The stories we tell ourselves that deny the essence of who we are may be so deeply rooted that we’re unconscious of their presence. I was attacking myself. Each time I allowed these beliefs to hold an ounce of truth I was attacking myself.

So I worked on loving myself instead. I worked on seeing the truth of who I was in each moment. The truth I found was this: I am worth loving. I am enough. I am lovable. I am beautiful. I am whole. All of this is true right now, in every single moment I am living. 

A few months into my grief, the anger began to surface, and I started to vilify him. I was tired of feeling the pain, so my mind created stories about him to make me feel better. I told myself he was incapable of loving me, that he couldn’t allow me to be fully me. I thought about how he was a selfish person for treating me the way he did.

Please do not indulge any thought that attacks yourself or even your ex-boyfriend.”

My teacher was right. Those stories didn’t do my ex justice. They didn’t honor the time we shared together. And they didn’t actually serve me. They were a weak tool to help me avoid my pain.

The truth is simply that he wasn’t my person anymore. And that didn’t make him wrong. It didn’t make him bad. I didn’t have to turn him into a villain to heal my wounds. I didn’t have to diminish my pain or justify his actions. I could simply allow for the pain and allow for the healing.

Grief is healthy and it is healing.”

That breakup took me down, down, down. It made me forget who I am so I could find myself again. It was the greatest gift I have been given in a very long time, and it took me many months to recognize the gift at all.

Grief is healthy and it is healing. I didn’t need to make up stories to ease my pain because the more I hid from it the more it had a hold on me. Instead, I chose to let the pain wash over me. I allowed it to teach me. That’s how grief can become a gift.

We don’t need to hold on to old lovers, torturing ourselves with “what-ifs” that don’t serve us.

We don’t need to condemn ourselves for being imperfect, for being too much, for not doing all the right things.

And we don’t need to denigrate the people we have loved because they hurt us.

I have never been more confident that I will have an incredible partner in life one day. You can too. But first you have to let go of that story, whether you’ve adopted it as a child or created it to feel less pain as an adult. Stop shrinking yourself down because you won’t let go.

Allow for the grief so you can begin to truly heal. Through healing you will grow more fully into yourself, and from that place you will discover the truth. Release the burdens of storytelling. You don’t actual need them. You are strong enough to heal on your own.

 

12 COMMENTS

  1. well not having your heart broken must be the only good point of being entirely alone all your life 🙁

  2. Unspoken prayer requests. Not going into any details. Been here in Houston for almost two years. (as of December) At a point where I don’t give a rip, got played too many times.

  3. I’m 61 woman met him 8 yrs for fun but became good friends, stupidly fell in love gave him my all, only met up a few times as distance was an issue,he moved to Cayman island for work so only saw him when he visited UK but spoke everyday anyway 10 months ago he met someone else ( i found out myself )he pushed me away with a few messages that he would be in touch, I’m heartbroken but think I ruined the friendship by constant messages asking why he couldn’t of been honest in the first place said he always wanted to be friends but now ignores anything I send.
    I was wrong yes and I’ve said goodbye to him but I’m hurting so much. ..I trusted him.

  4. I met a woman online who perused me very aggressively. We dated for about 6 months and then she started bombarding me about getting married and not moving fast enough. She’s a great person to be around, she has two great kids and I enjoyed every minute I spent with her. I was never against getting married, I just thought that we needed more time to explore each other and let our relationship progress. Well after a final weekend at her place, she changed and started being critical of everything I did or said. We then got into a heated conversation because she felt that our relationship wasn’t moving fast enough and she wanted to start dating again. Well we stopped talking completely for two days and when I contacted her again she advised me that she was in a relationship already. As you can imagine, I was devastated and couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I can’t imagine anyone expects someone to move on so fast and to say that they are really interested in someone after only 2 days. After I calmed down, it was obvious to me that she was possibly seeing this person before we actually stopped talking. Over the past few weeks I’ve been angry, confused, unable to sleep, missed a ton of work and not sure how to move forward. Of all the woman I’ve ever dated, I’ve never had these type of feelings pouring out of me when the answer is right in front of me. I want to move on so bad because I know I deserve more, but my heart keeps taking me back to the good times I had with this woman. I recently found out that she has been spending weekends and week nights with her new boyfriend so that really devastated me more. I’m so ready to move on with my life, but I’m not sure how long getting over this will take. It has been a very difficult few weeks and I’m so over it already. If anyone has any remedies to help I’d love to hear them.

  5. Man the pain is real! I have been with my girl for 7 years now and we have hit a really hard spot in the relationship. I haven’t been the best boyfriend emotionally. I never cheated on her in the 7 years. I have not shown her as much affection as she would have wanted. Now I just recently found out she is seeing a guy that she says makes her laugh and express himself to her. In her eyes they are just friends. She says she want to work out the relationship with us but continues to hangout with this so called friend of hers. Not sure what to do about this? I know I haven’t been emotionally there for her, but is trying to now, I offered to do more things with her and open up more but she doesn’t want to go anywhere with me I asked her lets do something today she says she is tired or comes up with other excuses. We got into an argument over this and I told her to be with him and left her house. Now she won’t return my text or e-mail it’s only been a few days but my heart is melting away. I’m to the point that I’m just going to give up and let it go. Is it too soon to let it go? She is not responding at all.

  6. I thought I was a reasonably, intelligent person. Educated, well liked. I didn’t date for 2 years then let a man into my life. 7 months later I find out he was living with a woman. Our entire relationship was a lie. I’m so embarrassed at myself for being so stupid. He was a professional, had a non profit org against bullying. How ironic….I can’t get closure from him because he will only lie and manuliplate the situation.

  7. Hi, I’m going through a heartbreak right now and it’s really excruciating. Haven’t been able to sleep or eat the past few days.. I know time will heal everything and I just can’t wait for the time to fly by to make it better..

    He broke up with me through a lonb test message saying that he doesn’t have the courage to tell me in person.. at the point I lost it and kept bombarding his phone acting like a crazy woman.. regreted it totally.. and ended up for him to block my calls amd messages..

    I know the breakup is for the best for both of us it’s just that I just couldn’t come to terms of it yet.. my heart and chest is really physically hurting. Kept asking myself why.. just 3days ago he told me he loved me so much.. The nexy day broke up with me through a lengthy text message.. and he told me he loved another.. maybe he just wants me to move on for good because circumstances does not allow us to be together.

    I have since deleted his number and messages.. That helps in a way not for me to do stupid embarrassing things..

    I just hope time passes by soon, taking away all the pain and hurt that I am going through right now.
    Deep down I am praying so hard for him to come back but reality is he won’t. It hurts..

    Tomorrow I’ll be removing all our momentos together.. hope I can move on fast..

  8. I have been married for 15 years. He let me know that he doesn’t care about my feelings at all a bit ago. I spent 43% of my life with him and to the benefit of him. I never saw this coming. I was able to raise my two kids this entire time so now I have nothing but two perfect kids. As far as the pain of my broken heart, it’s unreal. It feels like I have no control of my emotions whatsoever. Want to stop crying so you can drive? Not happening. Want to think of anything else besides what on earth you did to deserve this? Nope, never that. Want to talk to someone so maybe you can get some care or support? Well, what if he is right and you are not worthy of care or support. This is where I am. I hope I get better soon but there is a part of me that never wants to be completely healed. Who will I be if I am no longer in love with him? What on earth will I do with all the time I once spent thinking about him and nice things to do for him. I know most would say I should spend that time on myself but to most I say I never wanted that. I was truly doing what I wanted to do these last 15 years plus. I’ll sign divorce papers soon. Wish me luck.

  9. I have been broken with my twenty year relationship for a year now we email. Sometimes he calms from his job I had rebounds and many dates. I told him I had telations with someone else totally not worth it btw. He had t contacted me since. I never stopped living him. But I had rid bits. Now feeling it all over again. I thought I loved so done else I hooked up with drunk four times. He let me down too. Many dates. On fu e online sites. I CAN’t get o we him!!!!

  10. Im currently 20 years old. I have spent the last four years of my life with a boy who I met when I was 16. We lived together for two years and have broken up before but never like this. I realized for months i have lost the fuzzy feeling and i was very unhappy. So i decided to move back in with my mother to take some time apart to better our relationship. I recently went home for his birthday and i found another girl he was texting. I left to help us and hopefully us being apart for a little bit would mend the fighting. I spent the weekend and we where the happiest we have ever been, but when i left monday he told me he wasn’t in love with me. But he still loved me. I was the first girl he was ever with. But i fell in love with him all over again only to find out he doesn’t feel the same way anymore. And i am scared. He wants to still stay in touch and says he isn’t going to be looking for another girl he just wants us to find ourselves again and figure out what he wants. And that later in life if we find out who we are we might fall back in love. And i am hurting I don’t know how to be alone with out him. I told him everything he was my best friend. And his friends are my friends so how can i see him in public and not want to feel his touch or his arm around me. I am at a loss and no body seems to be giving me answers to make me feel better. So i found this blog hoping it will help me.

  11. i need to learn how to let go of this things i’ve found out…my boyfriend and i had a break up for about 2-3 months during that time he slept with a girl, i had a feeling something happened but he would constantly look at me in the eyes and tel me no nothing ever happened and so did his friends while they all knew the truth but were taking me for a fool!. ever since i found out i constantly think about it on a daily basis and im tired of it. i need to let it go but can’t seem to. he was the first guy i ever did anything with which is why its so difficult to let go of that situation. any recommendations please?

  12. It’s only been 5 days and we have never really boke up for a length of time. I just need a supportive team to help me through my choice to break up. He really hurt me and I dont understand why men choose to lie and not tell you things that are important. I just SMH it just doesn’t make any sense… Ugh. I am hurt. I feel like a problem and a inconvenience.

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